Can't Help But See
by SquirlK
Summary: Set sometime during S5 after ‘The Body’ but before ‘Intervention’. Spike wants to bail, Xander sees how he feels and tries to help. What if Xander could 'see' long before Caleb made his comment about it in season 7? NOT SLASH. New chapter added.
1. Can't Help But See

Can't Help But See

Disclaimer: Don't even own pockets to keep the lint in if I had any. Joss owns everything, lucky man.

Summary: Set sometime during S5 after 'The Body' but before 'Intervention'. Spike wants to bail, Xander sees how he feels and tries to help. I was thinking about Caleb and his remark about Xander being the one who 'sees'. NOT SLASH.

Reviews: Yes, please, that way I know you're reading. No flames please, dust makes me sneeze. But then there'd be no me to sneeze anyway. If you don't like it say so but no yelling, please. Once more, thanks to everyone who's ever reviewed any of my stories.

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Xander Harris leaned back in his chair with a smile on his face. The Scooby gang was seated in their customary 'research places' at the table in the Magic Box. They had just finished a round of 'insult Spike' causing the vampire to stalk to the front door. The blond bloodsucker paused at the door and looked back one last time not aware anyone was watching. The smile faded from Xander's face when he caught the expression on the face of the being he called 'Captain Peroxide'. Spike pulled the door open and was gone, leather coat fluttering behind him, leaving Xander to wonder if he'd imagined what he'd seen. The young brunette shrugged and went back to the conversation around him but in the back of his mind the image stayed.

It was almost a week before anyone noticed that they hadn't seen Spike. The last time anyone could recall seeing the blond vampire had been the night at the Magic Box when everyone had taken a turn at picking on him. Buffy hadn't seen him on any of her patrols but she considered that at blessing since he'd declared his 'love' for her. It was not in her to believe that a soulless vampire could love despite evidence to the contrary. While they all knew he couldn't hurt anyone thanks to an implant of silicone and metal courtesy of the government, no one was particularly interested in going out and looking for the platinum blond. Finally Xander decided to go to Spike's crypt and check up on him. He didn't tell the others he was going to because he didn't want them to talk him out of it. He kept seeing that last expression on Spike's face and wondering.

Xander opened the door to the crypt slowly, not wanting to startle the vampire.

"Spike?" The young brunette called out as the door swung open. "Are you here?" He heard a noise coming from the lower level and went to the open trap door. "Hey, Captain Peroxide, are you down there?" He called thru the opening.

"Go away Harris." An angry growl answered Xander's calls.

Xander ignored the growl and the warning implied by it. He knew there was no way Spike was going to hurt him even if he could. He climbed down the ladder and faced the angry blue eyes of the young vampire.

"I said go away." Spike growled from his position on the bed. He had obviously been there for a several days. The bedding was bunched and twisted. The vampire sitting amid the bundle of sheets and blankets was glaring at the intruder, frustrated by his inability to hurt the young human. He threw the covers to one side and got up. He was still dressed in his black jeans. His feet were bare and his t-shirt and belt were on the floor.

Xander found the sight of the bare feet oddly unsettling. It made the century old killer seem almost.... vulnerable. He watched silently as Spike lit a cigarette and blew the smoke his way. He just watched and waited. He observed the appearance of the blond and wondered why the vampire looked so tired.

"What? Did you miss me that much that you have to invade my crypt and just stare at me? Sorry, Whelp, I haven't swung that way in a long time." Spike leered at Xander.

Xander shook his head. "We noticed you haven't been around. Just got curious whether or not you're all right." He said.

"Let me get this right. You and all your mates take every pot shot you can think of at me and when I do what you want and stay away, you wonder if I'm okay? Bloody Hell, will you people make up your minds? I'm not a sodding yo-yo! You can't just string me up and down like a toy. I know I'll never be a member of your precious Scooby gang so why should I even bother. Go back and tell the group that Spike the fangless wonder is just bloody great and doesn't need or want any of their concern." Spike paced back and forth in the small space while he ranted.

Xander's mind flashed back to the moment before Spike had left the Magic Box that night. The look on his face had been clearly visible to Xander. It had taken Xander a couple of days to decipher the expression, but he'd finally done it. It had been a mixture of hurt, anger and loneliness. He saw the same look now although he didn't think the vampire was aware of it.

"They don't know I'm here." Xander said quietly.

Spike rounded on him, gamefaced. "Aren't you afraid of the Big Bad?" He smirked. Then he turned away returning to his human visage. "No, of course not, there is no big bad here just a fangless, useless vampire. Not good enough for research, patrol or anything resembling helping the precious slayer or any of her bleeding Scoobies." He mumbled to himself. He didn't know Xander could hear him. He dropped to the bed, sitting on the edge. He stubbed the cigarette out in an ashtray on the bedside table. Spike stared at the floor. "Just go away and leave me alone. I can't take it any more."

"Can't take what Spike?" Xander asked quietly.

The blond vampire jumped up and started pacing again. "Nothing. Forget I said anything. Just go away okay? I swear I won't bother any of you again. Just... take care of Niblet for me okay Whelp?" Spike stopped pacing and looked at Xander again. "Don't let that bitch get my Little Bit."

"What are you saying Spike?" Xander held the vampire's gaze steadily.

"I'm saying that you lot are not going to be able to play 'kick Spike' any more. I'm leaving. I can't be here. Fight Glory on your own. I can't care any more. I just can't. I've had it." He sat on the bed again. "I've had it." He repeated almost inaudibly.

Xander leaned against the ladder and folded his arms across his chest. "Where do you think you could go?" He asked quietly. "I can't see you going to L.A. and joining Dead Boy's gang. You can't protect yourself from humans. You'd be a target."

Spike's eyes flashed in anger. "Don't you think I know that?" He fumed. "Why do you think I haven't left yet? I don't know what to do." He buried his face in his hands.

Xander let his gaze wander around the lower level of the crypt. He noted the overflowing ashtray on the bedside table. The empty bottles scattered across the floor told the young human that the vampire hadn't been entirely sober the past week. His brown eyes wandered over the unkempt bed and landed on the vampire who was resting his elbows on his knees. "We need to get you out of here. Why don't we go get you something to eat?"

The blond head shot up and Spike glared at the brunette. "I don't think so."

"Hear me out, Spike. I saw the look on your face that night at the Magic Box." Spike looked at Xander in horror then turned his face away. "It occurred to me that we were wrong. Maybe we shouldn't have pushed you so far. It's not your fault that you have the chip and we shouldn't give you grief because of it. But, you have to admit you are annoying. You have tried to kill all of us at some point and things like that just don't disappear over night but I can't help but see that you've changed. That you're trying. Yeah, I know it's just because of the chip." He waited a beat. "Maybe."

The agitated vampire got up to pace again. "Sod off, Harris. Just go away and leave me alone." He requested wearily, running his hand through his hair.

"I can't." Xander stated simply.

"Why the Bloody Hell not?" Spike yelled.

Xander studied the floor for a minute then looked up. "I don't know." He said, his brown gaze catching Spike's sapphire one.

Spike stopped cold.

"Here's the thing, Spike. I get the feeling that we need you. You're the only one strong enough to help fight Glory. You and Willow are our best hopes. Willow has the magics working for her and you, well... you're just strong. Not just physically either. I keep seeing that we need you in this fight." Xander said quietly. "So what do you say? We back off and you stay and help. Deal?"

Spike stood and stared at the mortal for long moments. He wasn't sure he should trust what he was hearing. He was needed? No bloody way. But, on second thought he was positive that the Whelp couldn't protect Dawn. He wasn't even sure he could protect Dawn but he was damn sure he would try. Making up his mind, Spike reached into his dresser and got out a clean shirt and socks. Dressing quickly he slid his feet into his battered boots and waited for Xander to move.

"What are you waiting for Whelp?" Spike demanded.

Xander looked confused. "Huh?" Still trying to recover from Spike's mercurial about face in attitude.

"You said you'd buy me food. Come on, let's go. And you can add a beer to that. You know I still hate the lot of you, right?" Spike bounced on his toes waiting for the boy to move and following him up the ladder when he finally did.

"I know. We hate you too." Xander answered automatically. "When did I offer to buy you food?" He demanded when they reached the upper level of the crypt.

"When you said 'Why don't we go get you something to eat?'" Spike quoted, accurately imitating Xander's voice. "And since I have no money and you know that, it amounts to an offer to buy me food. I know you're not offering to let me bite you, not that I would, mind you. So you can get me some spicy wings and a beer."

"As if I'd let you bite me." Xander mumbled. "Hey, how did you do that anyway?" He asked.

"Do what?" Spike wanted to know.

"Imitate me. I didn't know you could do that." The brunette looked at the bleach blond curiously.

"Decades of practice. Lots of time on my own and a sincere wish to annoy people by doing it when they least expect it." The vampire laughed at Xander's surprised expression. "You should hear me do the Poof."

Xander's face showed his disgust. "Let's not and say we did. I hate Angel more than I hate you."

"Why Xander, what a nice thing to say." Spike intoned in Angel's voice. "Come on now, I'm hungry." He continued in his own voice as he urged Xander out of the crypt.

Xander looked revolted at hearing Angel's voice coming from Spike's mouth. "Spike, that was just wrong on sooo many levels." He stated as they made their way to the Bronz for Spike's wings and beer. Hell, maybe Xander would have a beer or three himself. He suddenly felt a serious need for it.

Spike hid a grin of pure glee. Maybe it would be worth sticking around after all.

Finis.

A/N: No, I don't know if James Marsters can imitate people. It just seems like something Spike would do to amuse himself.


	2. But I Didn't See This

But I Didn't See This

Disclaimer: Someday I'll own pocket lint but for now nothing. (Sob)

Summary: It's a bit AU S5 set after 'Intervention'. Xander feels guilty about Spike's capture and injuries.

A/N: Going to try to make this a chapter cause it's a continuation of 'Can't Help But See'. This just kinda popped into my head while I was driving my son to school. Tells you how much attention I pay to what I'm doing at any given moment. The muse has no life either.

Reviews: Yes please, need to know someone's reading my insane ramblings. My daughter read them but did she leave reviews? Noooo. Some peoples children, I swear. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows as soon as I find a long enough stick so I can avoid the dusting. Have become seriously addicted to reviews, it's a sickness I tell you. Thanks to all past reviewers. Y'all rock!!

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Xander waited until he saw Buffy leaving the crypt before he made his way slowly to the door. He hesitated before going in. He wasn't sure just what he was going to say to the blond vampire. He felt so bad though. Taking a deep breath, he knocked lightly before pushing the door open.

He immediately felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. How could anyone be so badly injured and still be living? Well maybe not living in Spike's case, but still. The vampire was a mass of burns, cuts and bruises. His eyes were blackened and swollen almost shut. He was lying on top of the sarcophagus that dominated that portion of the crypt. Apparently he was too injured to try to make it down to the bed.

Suddenly Spike spoke, "See enough, Whelp?" The vampire sat up painfully and glared at Xander through his swollen eyes.

"Oh my God, Spike. Are you going to be okay?" Xander blurted shakily.

Spike gave a little grunt that could have passed for a laugh if he hadn't been in so much pain. "Be running a marathon in just a couple of minutes. Just need time to catch my second wind." He snarked sarcastically.

"Sorry Spike, that was a stupid question." Xander mumbled.

"Well then, say whatever it is you were going to say and leave me be. I just want to sleep." Spike said wearily.

Xander studied the floor. This was hard. He bit his lip and looked up at the creature he had sworn to hate for the rest of his life. Now that hate was just a little less of a sure thing. Spike had endured so much and it was all Xander's fault.

"I came to apologize." The brunette human said softly. Vampire hearing was the only reason Spike heard what he'd said.

"For what?" Spike asked, confused.

"It was my fault Glory got you." Xander admitted.

"Come again?" Spike was even more confused.

"If I hadn't talked you into staying around you would have been safe. She wouldn't have taken you and did... this to you. It's my fault. When those little creeps came in here I couldn't even stop them. I should have fought harder." Xander trembled in memory of Glory's minions invading this very crypt.

"Whelp, you were unconscious. How could you have fought harder? You did what you could before they clocked you. And you didn't talk me into doing anything I didn't already want to do. So none of this was your fault. Besides, if she'd gotten any of the rest of you, it would have been fatal. Buffy doesn't need that grief right now. She's got enough to deal with. Hell Bitch didn't do anything I won't recover from. So just stop blaming yourself, I don't." Spike drew a deep unneeded breath at the end of his statement. Pain radiated from every inch of his body.

Xander ran a shaking hand through his hair. He looked disbelievingly at the blond menace. He sighed deeply. "I can't believe you." He said. "You're sitting there a mass of cuts, burns and bruises and you're not blaming me? At least let me help you. Do you want anything? Can I get you some blood? Where do you keep it?" Xander looked around then moved to the old refrigerator where Spike kept his blood supply.

"Yeah, thanks. That would help. Don't bother trying to heat it. Just bring it here." Spike said as he saw Xander looking for a mug to heat it in. He accepted the package and tore it open with his teeth and started to drink it straight from the bag, draining it in seconds. He sighed as the blood moved through his system restoring some of his strength. He could feel his vampire healing start to kick in but knew he had several days before he could be considered anywhere close to normal.

Xander watched as Spike seemed to recover just a little. He marveled at the recuperative abilities of vampires. Not that he envied them or even wanted to be one but sometimes he thought they had advantages humans didn't. He took the empty bag and put it in the trash.

"Do you want me to help you get downstairs?" Xander asked.

Spike nodded, easing himself off the sarcophagus. He knees buckled as his feet touched the floor. Xander caught him before he fell and gently placed Spike's arm around his shoulders, supporting the injured vampire. Slowly they moved over to the open trap door and looked at it for a second.

"Let me go first." Xander suggested. Spike nodded and sank down to his knees next to the opening. He slumped there looking defeated by the task of getting down to his bed. Xander went down the ladder several feet, stopping almost halfway down.

"Come on, I'll catch you if you start to fall." Xander said motioning to Spike. Moving slowing, the vampire made his way down the ladder. Xander reached the floor and grasped Spike around the waist as he negotiated the last few rungs. He supported the blond as they moved to the bed. Spike sat down on the edge gratefully. Not even bothering to take off his boots or get under the covers, Spike succumbed to the urge to sink into the softness of the mattress. He sighed with relief as his body relaxed.

Xander stood there awkwardly for a moment. "Is there anything else I can get for you?" He asked.

Spike shook his head against the pillows, already half asleep. "Thanks for the help. This is good." He mumbled.

"Okay then, I'll check back with you later." Xander started backing up toward the ladder. Spike nodded once then was gone, slipping deep into healing sleep.

Xander looked at the sleeping vampire. He knew they would never be friends but something had subtlely changed. He now held a little more respect for the 'evil, bloodsucking fiend' than he'd ever thought possible. He moved over to the ladder and looked back with a slight smile on his face.

"I'm so sorry, but I didn't see this." Xander shook his head sadly and left his former enemy in peace to sleep and heal.

Finis.


	3. Seeing You Broken

Seeing You Broken

Disclaimer: Don't own them, wish I did. Real close to owning the next two Harry Dresden audio books though. Oh yeah, another 18 hours of listening to James Marsters talk. There's my happy place.

Summary: I always wondered how Spike got out of the alley in 'Dead Things'. Then I wondered how he and Buffy went from her beating the crap out of him to the flirting and smiling at her birthday party the next week. This is my version in my little world where Xander is much nicer.

Reviews: Yes, please. It's really the only reason I keep writing, I'm seriously addicted to the warm fuzzies I get from reviews. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: I want to give WayWard Childe kudos and a week's worth of o-pos for his unceasing support of my ramblings and for putting up with my never-ending insanity. Not to mention my whining.

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Xander hated being up so early. As far as he was concerned there was never a good reason to leave his warm bed and Anya's loving arms. But he'd told his foreman that he'd be on site early to receive a load of lumber and Anya would never forgive him if he passed up an opportunity to earn a little extra money. Normally he liked having his work site so close to the apartment but leaving home while it was still dark out gave him the wiggins. He passed by the police station with a shudder and heard something in the alley. He stopped and listened. Nothing. Then… there, a scrape, just barely loud enough to be heard. The brunette Scooby berated himself for his foolishness even after he took his first steps into the alley. His dark chocolate eyes swept the dimly lit passage looking for the source of the noise. He hoped vainly that it was just a stray animal but senses that had been honed since high school were screaming at him that there was something wrong. A bundle of black next to a brick wall caught his attention. Xander approached cautiously, picking up a broken piece of board on the way. A movement and a flash of platinum startled the human. _Spike_?

Xander inched closer to the vampire. He couldn't be sure but it looked as if the chipped pain in the ass was trying to blend in with the wall. Xander watched as Spike pulled his knees defensively up to his chest. The blank expression on the blond's face spooked Xander. There was massive swelling and the bruising covering the lean features looked painful. One eye was closed completely and the other one was rapidly doing the same.

Xander whistled softly before pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. "Hey, Chuck, I'm not gonna be able to meet that delivery truck. A friend of mine's had an accident. Can you cover for me?" He waited a beat. "Thanks man, I owe you one." He pocketed the small phone and settled back on his heels to survey the damaged vampire.

"Gee, Spike, what are we going to do with you now? Who _did_ you piss off? Damn, man, you're _trashed_." Xander said softly. The sliver of blue peering out of the swelling never flickered.

"Okay then, it's almost dawn. Let's get you home." Xander reached out a hand to haul the vampire up. An almost imperceptible flinch stunned the brunette. "Spike, you can't stay here, the sun will be up soon. Come on." He reached for the blond again, this time meeting no resistance when he pulled the smaller man to his feet.

**Fifteen minutes later…**

They made it into the crypt with just seconds to spare. Xander eased the injured vampire into his battered easy chair and moved over to the refrigerator for some blood. He was troubled to see that it was empty. "Spike? You're out of blood. Can you hang on until I can get to the butcher's?" There was no answer.

Xander let the door to the ancient refrigerator swing closed. He walked back over to the chair, squatting down.

"Spike?" There was still no answer. The human took a closer look thinking the vampire had passed out. The sliver of sapphire that peeked out of the swelling was dull and expressionless. "Let's see the damage then."

He carefully pulled on the sleeve of the ever-present duster. He cautiously eased the slight body out of the old leather. He pulled the slender torso forward and inched the black shirt up and off. Spike never reacted. He let the male Scooby examine the damage without the protest Xander fully expected. Something was off about the injuries, Xander mused. Gentle probing revealed a couple of broken ribs but other than the bruising, they seemed to be the worst of it. The brunette rocked back on his heels, perplexed. He'd never seen the usually hyperactive vampire so still. Raking his dark brown gaze over the damage, he gasped when his eyes caught sight of the slender artistic hands. They were unmarked. Spike hadn't fought back, hadn't defended himself.

The implications of those unblemished hands spun in Xander's mind. "Spike? You were mugged by humans, right?" The uncertain question popped out hopefully, the alternative was simply too horrible of contemplate. He gulped as he scanned the damage again. "No, of course not. I know you. It would be damn the migraine and full fight ahead before you'd let any humans do that to you. That only leaves one explanation and, man, I sooo don't wanna think that."

Spike huddled in on himself as he listened to Xander go into his normal denial mode. Moving for the first time, he wrapped his arms defensively around his bare torso. His movements drew the brunette's attention. Of course the whelp wouldn't want to believe his precious slayer would be so vicious as to pound on a vampire who was only trying to do her a favor.

_"You don't… have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never… be your girl!"_

Buffy's words echoed in the defeated vampire's head. Repeating as they pounded through his mind. _'You are dead inside!'_ He'd never felt dead before but he did now. '_You can't feel anything real!'_ He _had_ been able to feel. More so that any other vampire he'd ever met. He wasn't sure why, he just _did_. He felt something shatter in his chest and everything released in one tear trailing down his swollen face. With it all the anomalous feelings drained out, leaving him empty. In over one hundred years Spike had never given up. He'd survived Angelus, caring for Drusilla, the Nazis and the chip. He'd even survived watching the woman he loved more than anything falling to her death. For the first time since becoming a vampire Spike couldn't think of a single reason to continue. '_There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside!' _His last thought as her words echoed in the empty space he used to occupy was simply that for once she was right. His mind became as empty as his heart as he…_just…gave…up_.

**tbc**


	4. Seeing You Broken Part 2

Seeing You Broken Part 2

Disclaimer: Don't own them, just take them out and break them so I can put them back together better.

Summary: Spike's broken. Can Xander and Anya fix him?

Reviews: Yes please. Love em, crave em, need em like air. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: This was meant as one chapter of the 'Can't Help But See' Spike/Xander friendship story but seems to have expanded itself. Still in canon but my version of the events between the episodes 'Dead Things' and 'Older And Far Away'.

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Xander felt a chill as he silently watched Spike physically withdraw. He watched the leanly muscled arms wrap around the bruised and broken chest. His throat closed up at the sight of the single tear as it tracked down the misshapen cheekbone. That tear scared the human more than anything else he'd ever seen.

"Oh, God, Spike. What did she do to you?" Xander breathed. He crouched in front of Spike for long minutes staring into the sliver of blue still showing through the swelling. The normally bright color remained dull, unfocused. Xander shivered as he stood up to take the cramp out of his knees. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, flipped it open and dialed quickly.

"Hey, Chuck? Listen, my friend I told you about? Yeah, well he's worse than I thought. I'm not gonna make it in at all today. Huh? I know it's not a really good time but this friend has no family and I don't wanna leave him alone. I'm afraid if I do he'll dus… um die. Yeah, he really is that bad." The tall brunette listened for a second. "Yeah, I know, good thing it's Friday huh? I'm sorry but I can't leave. He got mugged and he's really trashed as well as traumatized." A pause. "No, man, who ever did it beat him down before he had a chance. Yeah, please tell Roger that I'm taking a personal day. I'll work extra hours next week." He nodded then realized what a silly gesture that was. "Okay, got it. Sure thing, thanks for covering. Thanks, Chuck. I owe you big."

He hung up the small phone, paused, looking at Spike's unmoving form and opened it again. "Anya, Honey, listen. I need your help. No, Sweetie, I didn't make it to work. No, I'm not hurt. I didn't get attacked. It's Spike. I need you to go to the butcher's and pick up some blood, lots of it. He's pretty bad." He listened. "No, I can't go myself. I'm afraid if I leave he'll dust. Yeah, Ahn, it is that serious. See you soon." He folded the phone and stuck it back in his pocket. He settled on the bedraggled sofa to wait.

Anya cautiously eased the crypt door open. It had taken her over an hour to get to the butchers and pick up the blood Spike seemed to desperately need. Xander had dozed off on the sofa but jerked upright as the door creaked. The blonde ex-demon set the heavy bag on the sofa next to her fiancé.

"Ahn, thanks for doing this." Xander got up to give her a kiss.

"Explain to me again why we're helping Spike?" Anya wandered over to bend down for a closer look at the motionless vampire. "Um…Xander? You do know he's broken, right?"

"Ahn, what do you mean? Broken?" Xander asked nervously.

"Broken as in he's not there. Gone." Anya elaborated.

"Are you telling me that Spike has left the building?" Xander closed his eyes as his worst fears were confirmed. He picked up the bag of blood and carried it over to the refrigerator to put it away.

"Yes, I think so. He's all bruised and swollen. Who did this?" Anya stood up and watched her fiancé load the shelves.

Xander finished his task and closed the door. With his shoulders slumped, he turned around to face her. "Buffy."

"Really? Why? What did he do to her this time?" Anya took another look; she'd noticed a tiny flinch at the mention of the blonde slayer. 'Maybe he's not quite as gone as he looks.' She thought.

"I don't know." Xander sighed.

"I need to get to the shop and open up. Somebody in this family needs to earn money." Anya stated, moving toward the door.

"Okay, Hon. I'll be by later. If he's gone he won't be able to do himself harm." Xander hugged his fiancée. "Thanks for coming over."

"You're welcome. You owe me thirty-five dollars for the blood." She kissed him briefly.

Xander smiled fondly. "Catch you payday." He murmured as she smiled.

"Count on it." She told him sharply.

"That's my girl." He said lovingly. Neither noticed the involuntary flicker of pain across the vampire's battered face.

After she left, Xander walked back over to look at Spike. "Well at least you picked a good time for your meltdown. No big supernatural baddies to fight. Just a trio of annoying humans that you can't fight anyway. And I didn't mean that in a 'Spike you're no good to us right now' kind of way it's just that… well… you know." He dropped back onto the sofa. "God, I'm sorry."

Much later, Xander had attempted and failed to get Spike to feed. The failure in the project had resulted in Xander having to clean up and cover the vampire with a fresh shirt. He'd spent much of the day just talking to his unresponsive companion. He was once more sitting on the threadbare sofa just looking at his not-so-mortal enemy wondering how in the world he was going to fix the problem, when his cell phone buzzed, startling the brunette.

"Hello?" He answered the summons. He heard Buffy's coldly dispassionate voice requesting he come over to the Magic Box and help with a research problem. His deep brown eyes were trained on Spike while he listened to his best friend insist he drop everything and run to do her bidding. So he didn't miss the reaction he got at his next words.

"Okay, Buff. I'll be there in a little while." He paused, listening, his dark gaze riveted on Spike. "No, I'm already off work, didn't go in today. Had something I had to do. No, I _don't_ want to tell you what it was." He listened again. "I already told you I'd be right there. See you shortly." He hung up distractedly.

He rose and moved over to squat in front of Spike. He took in the smaller-than-before posture of the injured vampire. He'd noticed that as soon as he'd said the slayer's name, Spike had pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, pulling himself into an almost impossibly small bundle of pain. The defensiveness of the pose was not lost on Xander.

"I guess you're not as gone as Anya thinks, huh, Bleach Boy." The human murmured. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, okay?" He didn't expect an answer and naturally didn't get one. "I'll be back soon. I promise." He swore as he quietly left the crypt.

**Later, in the Magic Box…**

"You always hurt the one you love." Buffy said. The look on her face puzzled Xander. His gaze caught Anya's. Her expression told Xander that she'd heard the odd note in the slayer's voice as well.

**After the meeting…**

Xander closed the car door behind Anya and climbed into the driver's seat. He sat for a moment with his fists on the steering wheel. "She never mentioned Spike." Xander said sadly. "As far as she's concerned we don't know he was anywhere around."

"She's in serious denial." Anya stated bluntly.

Xander started the car. "Do you want to go back to Spike's with me?" He asked quietly.

"Okay, but you still owe me orgasms later." She smiled to take the sting out.

"Deal. Have I mentioned today how much I love you?" The brunette sighed.

"Not often enough but you can remind me later." The ex-demon said.

Xander parked at the cemetery entrance. Hand in hand, the couple quietly walked toward Spike's crypt. It wasn't quite dark yet so they were safe from any newly risen vampires that might be so foolhardy as to lurk in the vicinity. Spike generally kept his portion of the area predator free. He pushed the door open and led the way inside. It paid to be careful, even in Spike's crypt.

"Hi, Honey, we're home." Xander called softly. Anya punched her fiancé in the arm.

"I'm your 'Honey'." She complained.

"It's just an expression." He patiently explained.

They could see that the battered vampire had barely moved during Xander's absence. The platinum head had tilted over to rest on the arm of the chair but the rest of Spike's posture remained the same. He appeared to be asleep. They noticed that there hadn't been much healing. The lean features were still massively bruised and swollen.

Anya perched on the edge of the sofa. "What do we do now?"

"I want to try something." Xander crouched in front of Spike. "Say what Buffy said. Try to sound like her if you can."

The blonde nodded and took a breath. "You always hurt the one you love." She'd lowered her voice and sounded eerily like the slayer.

Spike visibly flinched. He took a sharp breath. 'Buffy?' Her name echoed through his mind. An impossible hope brought him back to himself. He tried to open his eyes to see her but they were swollen shut. The last few vestiges of sleep melted away. He inhaled another breath. "Buffy?" His voice was vaguely slurred.

"There's the vampire I know and loathe." Xander said gently.

Spike sat up a little straighter. "What are you doing here Whelp?" He growled. "Where's Buffy, I heard her."

"I'm sorry Spike. She's not here that was Anya. As for why I'm here, well first I was saving your undead ass from Mr. Sunshine. The rest of the day, I've just had a wonderful time staring at your multi-colored mug." Xander remarked.

"Shouldn't have bothered." Spike mumbled almost to softly to hear.


	5. Seeing You Broken Part 3

Seeing You Broken Part 3

Disclaimer: Don't own em, just being mean.

Summary: Xander tells Spike what happened.

Reviews: Yes, please. Love reviews, adore reviewers. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: This might be the last chapter in this part of the story. What do you think? Leave it here? Or go another one? Hmmmm…

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Xander rocked back on his heels. "_Shouldn't have bothered_? _Now_ you tell me! I can't _believe_ you!" He stood up and stalked over to the ancient refrigerator. Wrenching it open he angrily grabbed out two bags of blood and threw them into the small microwave, viciously punching in the numbers to heat the red fluid the vampire needed.

"Drag his undead ass all the way from the police station and _he says_ I shouldn't have bothered! Spend all day looking at his smashed-in face hoping he doesn't dust and _he says_ I shouldn't have bothered!" Muttering under his breath, Xander rummaged through Spike's 'kitchen' and found an oversize mug to dump the heated blood into. "Take the day off from work and beg Chuck to cover for me so that now I have to work extra hours next week and _he says_ I shouldn't have bothered!"

The brunette Scooby carried the huge cup over and wrapped the vampire's unmarked fingers around the handle. "You so much as spill a drop of that and I'll make the beating Buffy gave you look like _love_ taps." Xander inhaled, trying to calm his raging temper. He couldn't _believe_ he'd actually been _worried_ about the peroxide pain in the ass. Noticing that Spike sat there without drinking the blood he needed to heal, Xander leaned down to speak softly into the blond's ear.

"You need to drink that, cause if you don't it'll take too long to heal. Your eyes are swollen shut and if you can't see me, you can't hit me." Xander smirked at the frown trying to crease the bruised forehead. "Oh yeah, you can't hit me anyway, can you…Fangless."

Spike growled as his anger began to build. Without bothering to shift into gameface, Spike began draining the cup. He dropped it on the floor when it was completely empty. He could feel the blood begin to work its magic. Being animal blood, it worked a little slower than human would have but he could feel the swelling in his eyes begin to recede a little. He tried to open his eyes and could barely make out the face of the Whelp. The human was crouched in front of him staring at the damage, watching avidly to see if the healing would kick in.

Xander hid his glee as he saw the slivers of blue peeking out from the swollen lids. Sparks of gold shot through the sapphire as he watched Spike get angrier.

"Okay, he's feeding. Does this mean we can go home and have orgasms now?" Anya asked. Her dark brown eyes took in the slight improvements in Spike's appearance.

Spike inhaled, feeling the pull of the broken ribs as his chest expanded. He winced at the stab of pain. Brutalized facial features protested the wince causing him to take in another sharp breath. He groaned softly as his body began to add up all his injuries. Carefully, he unbent his legs and planted both feet on the floor. He hissed as his ribs grated against themselves. As empty as his mind had been earlier in the day, it was now racing with thoughts. Panic welled as he remembered Buffy's determination to turn herself in.

"Buffy! Did she? The police… is she?" He couldn't verbalize the fear that the slayer he loved so much had thrown her life away by confessing to murder.

"Spike! Calm down. Buffy's fine. She's not in jail. It was Warren. He killed his ex-girlfriend and tried to make Buffy think she'd done it. The police ruled it suicide. We can't prove Warren did it but we know." Xander explained. His tone was soothing; completely at odds with the anger he'd been feeling.

The blond vampire heaved a sigh of relief. "Bloody wanker." He muttered darkly. Another thought occurred to him. "When did she find out? Did she confess and then they…no, that wouldn't have been right. What happened?"

Xander gazed at the floor trying to word his answer. He knew what he was about to say would anger the vampire but there wasn't any way around it, Spike had to know.

"She never spoke to the officer. She heard him on the phone. As soon as she heard who the victim was she knew Warren had had something to do with it. She left right away." The male Scooby's voice was low and apologetic. "She didn't say anything about you being there. I found you by accident."

A sharp inhalation from the vampire was all the warning Xander and Anya got. The blond leaped to his feet and fairly flew over to the opposite side of the crypt. He punched the wall, causing the humans to jump in surprise. The exertion caused agony to bloom in his injured chest. He ignored the feeling and threw his other fist into the stone wall. Cradling his now-bloodied hands to his aching chest, Spike turned his back to the wall and banged his head against the cold stone. Xander and Anya had to strain to hear the words pouring out of the furious vampire.

"Left me lying in the _dirt_, she beat me to a bloody pulp and _left me there_! Couldn't see to get home, could have dusted. Had to be saved by the Whelp of _all_ people. All I tried to do was keep her from throwing her life away. Stupid bitch was gonna _confess_. She didn't do it, I knew that but would she _listen_? _Oh hell no_! She knows best. She knows the _right_ thing to do." Spike ranted as he slid down the wall, ending up in a heap curled up next to the stone. He rested his face against his bent knees and sucked in a shuddering breath. "I could be dust right now and she'd _never_ know. She wouldn't _care_. _Does she hate me that much_?"

Xander and Anya exchanged startled looks. They had known that the slayer had been the one to pound Spike into the ground but they hadn't been aware of exactly why. It all made a kind of horrible sense. Now they knew why Buffy hadn't said anything about Spike being with her at any point during the entire ordeal.

Anya ventured closer to the shaking vampire. "Spike, I don't think Buffy hates you. She said something odd earlier. 'You always hurt the one you love'. Do you know what she meant?"

Spike's entire body stiffened. He'd forgotten the humans were there. He'd lost it in front of the two people in the world he would have staked himself before saying anything to. He closed his eyes because it just hurt too much to keep them open. Fighting the urge to break down and sob like the nancy-boy he'd been as a human, he swallowed hard.

"_Get out_." The demand was low and rough.

"Spike? What did you say?" Xander asked. He hadn't quite made out what the vampire said.

"**_Get out_**!" Spike raised his voice. If they didn't leave soon…

Xander blinked. "But you need help…" He trailed off. Anya backed up and grasped Xander's arm.

"Let's go." She murmured.

"But, Ahn, Honey." Her fiancé babbled.

The ex-demon tugged him toward the door. "He wants to be left alone. We can come back later."

"Don't bother. Just leave. **_Now_**!" Spike growled, hanging on by less than a thread.

Xander made sure the door was closed tightly behind them. He lingered there for a long moment, sure there was something more he could have done to help the injured vampire. His blood chilled at the howl of anguish that echoed through the heavy door he'd just closed. He hadn't heard the vampire make a sound like that since the night Buffy had jumped from the tower. It was something he'd hoped he'd never hear again. He glanced at Anya and was shocked by the tears standing in her big brown eyes.

"She left him there to _die_, Xander." She sniffled. "Why would she do that to someone who loves her so much?"

"I don't know, Honey." Xander swiped at his eyes. He wasn't crying. The Xan-man would _never_ shed tears over a broken vampire. "I just don't know."


	6. Seeing You Broken Part 4

Seeing You Broken Part 4

Disclaimer: Don't own nothing I tell you, nothing!

Summary: This is the story that won't go away so here's another bit of speculation of the events following "Dead Things". Willow runs into Spike at the Bronze.

Reviews: Yes, please. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: Well it seems that my writer's block has smashed itself into teeny pieces. Go me! Should have another chapter of 'Silence Is Golden' up pretty soon too.

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Willow paused before heading over to the bar. She'd come to the Bronze in hopes of running into Tara but she'd known it was a futile excuse. Tara was not in the habit of hanging out at the club. A familiar figure leaned against the crowded counter. The bartender nodded his acknowledgment of Willow's raised hand, letting her know he would be with her in a minute. A shove from behind pushed the redheaded witch up against Spike. He turned with a barely suppressed snarl, letting it fade as he recognized the human who'd jostled him.

"Red." The greeting was quiet. The vampire raised his beer bottle and drained it before motioning for another one.

"Spike. How are you? I haven't seen you around lately." Willow babbled as she watched the bartender work his way over to them. She ordered a coke, turning to face the blond as he requested another beer. Her eyes widened when she caught a look at her companion's face.

Spike took his new drink. A quick glance at the witch told him she'd noticed the condition of his face. He ducked his head and turned away. "Been around. Just staying out of the slayer's way. She's been a bit pissy lately." He muttered. 'Damn, knew I should have gone to Willy's. At least I would have been able to punch out anyone who said anything about my lovely appearance.' He thought as he lit a cigarette to ease his nerves.

Willow sipped her drink and stared at Spike's turned head. The massive bruising on his handsome features had shocked her. Whoever had beaten him had done quite a job of it. Vampires healed so fast that for him to still show bruises… She broke off that train of thought.

'Maybe he got in a fight on the way over here.' She mused. She watched as he tapped the end of his cigarette on the ashtray at his elbow. Her pretty forehead creased in a frown. His hands were unmarked. She'd always admired his long slender fingers with their pale flawless skin. If he'd been in a fight his hands would have been cut and bruised as well as his face. She shook out of her thoughts when she realized Spike was moving away from her.

Spike knew the second she'd realized his hands were unmarred. Silently cursing himself, he stubbed out his cigarette and moved away from the bar. His destination was the seclusion of the balcony and he headed there with trademark single-minded determination. Achieving his goal, he slumped down onto the sofa with a barely concealed sigh of defeat. He leaned his head back on the cushion and closed his eyes.

**Three days earlier…**

_He'd tried to wait until the Whelp and Demon were long gone but his control had snapped as soon as the door had eased shut. A howl of anguish had erupted from his bruised and broken chest. Bitter tears stung the lacerations in his skin as they slid slowly down his face. For a very long time, Spike sat on the cold stone floor letting the pain drain from his being through the tears that streamed from his dark blue eyes. He never noticed the time passing as he huddled next to the wall. Finally, empty both of tears and in spirit, Spike stiffly rose from his crouch. Several wobbling steps took him to the refrigerator where he pulled several bags of blood out. Not bothering to heat them, he made his way over to the trap door that led to the lower level. _

_The heartbroken vampire dumped his burden on the bed and looked around distastefully. Slowly, painfully, he knelt down and began to roll up the antique carpets that covered the floor. He'd placed them there in the hopes of making the place more comfortable for Buffy. There were three of them and it took him far longer to pull them up than it had to place them just right. Finally they were rolled and ready to be moved. He'd had them for a long time and was reluctant to part with them so he dragged them over to a dry corner deep in a side tunnel. Panting needlessly from the exertion, he sat down on the edge of his bed and tore into a bag of blood. Shuddering at the cold bitterness of the pig's blood, he quickly drained it. The remaining two bags disappeared just as quickly. A swift search under the edge of the bed revealed a lost bottle of Jack Daniels. Having satisfied the demon with the influx of blood, he then proceeded to attempt to drown his sorrows in alcohol. He never noticed when Xander had returned to check on him, he'd drunk himself into unconsciousness. _

**The Bronze…**

Spike smelled her as she approached. She smelled like cinnamon and magic. The cushion next to him depressed.

"What do you want Red?" Spike's voice was weary as he acknowledged her presence.

She didn't answer for long moments causing the blond vampire to tense. "Are you all right?" The soft question was finally voiced, very softly.

"I'm fine." His flat tone of voice did not invite any further questions.

"Did you at least kill the other guy?" The leading question nearly earned her a snarl. Willow watched the battered face carefully.

"No." She waited but the single word was all he gave.

Spike gritted his teeth and waited for the next question. He didn't have long to wait. "Does Buffy know something beat you up?" Willow attempted one last time to give her friend an out.

"Yes." Spike hissed "But I don't think the _Slayer_ is overly concerned about it."

Willow nodded and ducked her head. Her flaming hair swung down to shield her features as she thought. She bit her lip fretfully. It was evident that Spike didn't want anyone to know how he'd gotten so beat up. She wondered when it had happened. A random memory surfaced and she knew.

**Two days earlier…**

_Xander and Anya had been acting strange, Willow noticed. She'd been researching ways to track Warren and his friends on the computer while Anya conducted business as usual. The blonde ex-demon looked meaningfully at her fiancé when he walked into the shop, his face creased in a frown. _

"_Did you go?" Anya asked quietly. Willow had to strain to hear them. _

_Xander nodded and looked around to see if anyone was paying attention. Dawn was at the table doing homework, her head bobbing up and down to the music blaring in her ears from headphones attached to a cd player. _

"_Well?" Anya prompted._

"_Passed out." Xander answered cryptically._

"_From the injuries?" Anya's question shocked the witch._

_The male Scooby shook his head. "No. Jack Daniels. Can't say as I can blame him." Xander noticed that Willow's typing on the computer keyboard had ceased. "I'll tell you later." He told Anya. He moved over to the research table and swung a chair out to sit in it. _

"_Hey, Wills. How's the nerd search going?" He asked cheerfully although his eyes remained serious and concerned. _

_Willow looked up, pretending to just notice his presence. "Slow. One of them is really good with the computer so they've covered their tracks really well. But they can't hide from me." She smiled as she gazed at her best friend. _

"_Where's the Buffster?" Xander avoided her eyes to look around the shop for the slayer._

"_Early patrol." Anya answered from her counter. She closed the register and left the counter to lock the front door and flip the closed sign over. Xander nodded as he watched her move around the room. _

"_Has she mentioned whether or not Spike is helping with that?" Xander asked almost too casually._

_Willow thought about it then shook her head. "She hasn't said anything about Spike in a couple of days. Come to think about it, she's been kinda quiet about him. She was all ranty about him being a nuisance but now it's like she's pretending he's not around any more."_

_Xander closed his eyes and sighed. Anya quietly walked over and took the seat next to her fiancé. She reached over and took his hand, squeezing it gently. Willow watched the exchange in silence wondering what was going on. _

**At the Bronze…**

Willow's wide green eyes flew up to scan Spike's remote features. She watched as his jaw began to pulse as if he were grinding his teeth. 'Goddess.' She thought. 'Buffy did that.'

Spike turned his head to stare at Willow. He liked the redheaded witch. She'd been remarkably forgiving over the whole kidnapping incident several years ago. But he really didn't want to get into a conversation with her over his injuries. He just wished they'd hurry up and heal. Damned animal blood diet made healing so bloody slow. His dark blue gaze held Willow's, pleading with her not to pry.

She watched the emotions swirl in the sapphire depths for long minutes. With a visible gulp, she ducked her head. "We're having a birthday party for Buffy this weekend. Do you want to come?"


	7. Seeing You Broken Part 5

Seeing You Broken Part 5

Disclaimer: Not mine, just take em out to break em sometimes.

Summary: Xander confronts Spike.

Reviews: Yes, please. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE.

A/N: And here's yet another chapter in the story that won't quit. There will be a very short epilogue and then the story goes back to canon. Although the reviews for the last chapter were admittedly disappointing, my muse decided to take this tale just a little further. That and RL has been such a bitch lately that I couldn't write the humor I needed for Silence. The euphoria that I was infused with from the Sacramento convention has worn off and the resulting depression has made my imagination run toward the dark side.

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"_We're having a birthday party for Buffy this weekend. Do you want to come?" _Willow's invitation rang in Spike's ears. He wandered back to his crypt almost automatically. He listlessly dropped down into the lower level and sank onto his bed. His head ached. His heart ached and he didn't know if he could face going into that house again. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. He growled as he realized he was near tears _again_. He _hated_ that aspect of himself. She'd broken something in him and he wasn't sure he could fix it.

"Spike? Are you here?" A familiar voice echoed down from the upper level. Spike's blond head shot up as he snarled. He stood, stalked over to the ladder and wasted no time reaching the top.

"What do you want?" The vampire growled.

"Wanted to check your supplies. Make sure you didn't run out. Anya worries." Xander answered him from next to the refrigerator where he was taking inventory of the contents.

"How many times to I have to tell you I don't want your help?" Spike paced back and forth in front of his cushy chair in agitation.

"May not want it but if I want any Anya lovin, you get my help." The brunette human answered with a grimace.

"Why does demon-girl care?" Spike dropped into his chair. He was just so tired of it all.

Xander tilted his head as he let the refrigerator door swing closed. "You know, I don't know. I asked her that the other day and she just mumbled something about demons sticking together. But that doesn't make sense, she's not a demon anymore." He walked over and sat on the edge of the battered sofa. He tried not to be obvious about it but part of his assignment was to see how well the beaten face was healing.

"_Stop looking at me_." Spike snarled as he shot up from his chair and retreated to the far side of the room. He wrapped his arms around himself and leaned against the stone wall. He dropped his chin to his chest and closed his eyes.

"Sorry, but Anya wanted me to make sure you were healing. It's going slow, huh." Xander apologized.

Spike gave a bitter little laugh. "Yeah, slow."

"Want to talk about it?" Xander ventured the hesitant question softly.

"What are you now? Some counselor? 'Tell me all about it and I'll make it better'. Get real. Like I'd talk to you." Spike scoffed but he huddled a little more against the wall, turning slightly so his profile was all Xander could see.

"You know I'm not a counselor. What makes you think I care?" The male Scooby held his breath as he baited the vampire. His dark eyes scanned the defensive posture of his companion. The bruising on the handsome face was changing colors in a last flair before beginning to fade away. Xander knew that Spike should have been almost bruise-free by now. He'd seen vampires heal almost overnight. He's seen _this_ vampire heal so much faster than he was doing now.

"I noticed the stack of blood packs in the fridge isn't going down very fast. Why aren't you eating?" Xander asked. Anya had told him not to return until he had some answers and there were times that he was more scared of her than he was of Spike.

"Maybe I'm not hungry." Spike muttered. He moved away from the wall and prowled the space of the crypt. Xander warily watched him moving around. The bleached pain in the ass was on the edge and the human wasn't sure he was the best person to try to pull him back from it. The vampire stopped and lit a cigarette. Xander noticed the flame flickering from the lighter, Spike's hands were shaking.

"You need to feed." He tried again and jumped when Spike yelled.

"**_Leave me alone_**!"

"I'd like to. This isn't _my_ idea." Xander retorted. "Anya's got some weird idea that you're our friend and she says we have to watch out for our friends."

"_Take that back_! I'm _not_ your friend. I _hate_ you." Spike's rebuttal lost volume toward the end. "I don't _want_ your help." He repeated almost too softly for Xander to hear. The brunette heard the emphasis on the word 'want'.

"But you _need_ it and that's making you crazy." He observed. He watched as Spike threw his spent cigarette to the floor. The vampire began pacing again, agitation in each step.

"Yeah, I'm crazy. I should have eaten you years ago. If I hadn't messed around playing games with the slayer, I could have eaten all of you sodding Scoobies and been gone. I'd still have Dru. I wouldn't have this bleeding chip in my head. I wouldn't have…" He broke off abruptly when he realized what he's been about to say. 'I wouldn't have fallen in love with her and shagged her.' He stopped pacing with his back to Xander. Letting his head drop to his chest, he sighed. "Go away."

Xander was shocked at the weariness in the vampire's voice. It sounded like Spike was giving up. The last time he'd heard that tone was the previous year when the bleached wonder had gotten so fed up with the ridicule regularly doled out by the Slayerettes that he'd nearly left town. Staying had gotten him almost tortured to death at the hands of Glory. While Xander had outwardly bitched at having Spike around during the entire ordeal, he'd been secretly grateful the blond had stayed and helped. He also knew that they would all have died during the excruciatingly long five months Buffy had been gone. Spike had saved them all more than once, slaying with viciousness that had shocked them all from time to time. The vampire's grief had been all but tangible and Xander had kept a surreptitious eye on him knowing that if Spike had decided to greet the sun, Dawn would have been inconsolable. He turned to leave but a question had been bugging him for days, ever since he'd stumbled across the beaten bloodsucker in the alley in fact. He turned back and silently watched Spike's hunched, defensive posture for a few seconds.

"Spike?" He began.

"What?" Spike voice was defeated and soft.

"Why does she do it?" Xander stopped, trying to find the right words to ask what he wanted to know.

"Do what?" The inflection in Spike's voice never changed, but his shoulders tensed.

The human cautiously wandered back over to the sofa and gingerly sat on the edge. "Why does she beat on you like she does? She knows you can't hit back. I find it hard to believe she can be that cruel but the evidence is right in front of me and I don't understand."

Spike's mind had blanked out when the boy started asking so clumsily why the slayer had tried to beat him to death. A flicker of relief shot through the vampire when he realized that the Scoobies were still unaware that he _could_ hurt her. Not that he _wanted_ to but that he _could_. He wrapped his arms around himself and wished he hadn't left his duster downstairs. He felt chilled and tired. Part of him wanted to just tell the Whelp everything and wait for the relief that could be found at the end of a piece of sharp wood. Sometimes he felt he was skating on the edge of madness and there was no bottom should he slip and fall from the precipice. 'Why does she beat on you like she does?' The words floated through Spike's emotional barrier and he began to laugh.

Xander started when he heard the mirthless sound. Goosebumps broke out on the brunette's skin when the laughter got a little more hysterical until the breaths fueling it began to hitch and it changed. He'd avoided looking at Spike as soon as the question had left his lips but now he dragged his gaze from the floor to look at the vampire.

A last few chuckles trickled out and Spike inhaled as he stopped. "She does it because she can." The statement was drawn out and breathy.

Xander caught his own breath at the bitterness he could hear. "But that's not…" Spike interrupted him.

"Not what? Not _fair_? And why would she be fair to a _vampire_? I'm evil, soulless. There's nothing good or clean in me. Didn't you get the memo?" All traces of humor were gone from Spike's voice and Xander blinked in confusion.

He did what he always did when confronted with something he didn't want to face, he babbled. "Well, yeah, I get the whole evil and soulless but the other? Where did that come from? I mean, how would we know if there's anything good or clean in you? Yeah, you have the whole vampire thing happening but I really haven't seen you do anything overtly evil in a long time. But…" He trailed off as he realized that Spike was glaring at him.

Spike tried to contain his anger, he really did, but to have this particular human sit there and tell him that he wasn't very evil anymore was just too much. He felt the edges of his temper begin to fray and he vamped.

Xander let out a little squeak when he saw Spike shift into game-face. "Well, I think it's time to go. It's getting late and I don't wanna be a late night snack for some vamp. I… um… have my car. It's parked really close so I'll be ok, no vamp snacking happening to this Scooby. No, sir. Gonna just make a quick run for the old car and get myself safely home." He got up from the sofa and began to walk toward the door, keeping up a, he hoped, distracting line of chatter so Spike wouldn't be tempted to risk a migraine by taking a big bite out of his neck. He risked a quick glance back at the vampire as he went. At the moment it didn't seem like such a remote possibility.

He got almost to the door before he was grabbed and spun around to face the demon. Spike shoved him gently against the wall and snarled, baring his fangs. He knew better than to struggle so he went limp against the stone. "S-spike, come on man. You know you can't hurt me. Let me go and I just go on home. No harm, no foul, all right? You don't want the migraine you'd get."

Spike leaned forward and sniffed Xander's neck as if checking to see if he wanted to sample the goods. Gold eyes flickered and settled on the human's curiously unafraid face. "_Don't_ forget what I am. I am a killer, a monster. I'm _not_ your friend and I don't _want_ to be. _She_ doesn't forget. _Ever_. Doesn't let _me_ forget either." The last statement was almost whispered, the threatening tone of the first sentences fading away.

"B-but I don't think she h-hates you." Xander stammered. "Something she said the other day…" He paused, wondering why he's trying to help. He hates Spike, doesn't he? "She said, 'You always hurt the one you love.' Why do you think she'd say that?"

Xander watched the vampire carefully, breathing a tiny sigh of relief when he was released. Spike backed up, giving Xander enough room to get away.

With difficulty, Spike shook off his demon visage. "Just get out, Harris." He said wearily. He ran a shaky hand down his face.

Xander opened the door and paused for a minute. He looked back at the vampire and noted the renewed shaking of Spike's slender hands and the incredibly weary sadness on the vampire's lean face. He swallowed and blinked before slowly leaving and closing the door firmly shut behind him.


	8. Seeing You Broken Epilogue

Seeing You Broken, Epilogue

Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.

Summary: None, just an epilogue to return the story to Joss's original canon.

Reviews: Yes, please. Readers Rock but Reviewers RULE!

A/N: This ends the story that wouldn't quit. Don't know if there will be any more of the Spike/Xander friendship stories that makes up the theme of this series. If there are, they'll show up when the muse strikes.

Thanks to WayWard Childe for his quarter story that cheered me up, you rock Partner.

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Spike stood motionless for a long time after Xander left. His head hung down with his chin resting on his chest, his eyes were closed. He was so tired. He raised his head and opened his eyes. He lifted his hand and watched it shake dispassionately. His mind raced around Xander's surprising revelation. 'She said, 'You always hurt the one you love.' Why do you think she'd say that?' Clenching his fingers into a fist, he forced himself to stop shaking. Inhaling deep, needless breaths he shoved both hands through his hair.

'You always hurt … the one you love, Pet.' His own voice, slurred and weak echoed through his troubled mind. Whirling suddenly he stalked over to the shelf next to the ancient refrigerator, angrily snatching the last bottle of Jack Daniels from the shelf. He settled into his tattered easy chair and proceeded to drink himself into oblivion.

**Two days later…**

After having spent the time after Xander's last visit in an agony of indecision, Spike realized he _had_ to go to Buffy's party. He needed to show her he wasn't broken, that he still loved and wanted her. A short laugh broke free at that thought. It was a lie, she _had_ broken him but he couldn't let her know that. He could feel the bruising that still lingered on his face. He'd wear the discoloration as a badge. An outward sign that she could do almost anything and he'd still be there. He raised his head and checked his internal clock. Time to go. On the way he made two stops, one to pick up a six-pack of beer and the second to make a phone call.

"Hey, Clem? Wanna go to a party?"

Finis


End file.
